Indiana Jones: Laughably bad

I just got back from seeing Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Good lord, what a load of crap that was. It was so bad in fact that I’ll have to really think hard to find something good to say about it. Let’s see…

…still thinking, give me a minute…

Ah! It was very expensive.

That’s all I’ve got. Five minutes into it, I turned to my friend and said “Are they serious?” There were so many things bad about this movie. The first that comes to mind is Spielberg’s consistent failure as a director: dialogue. He can’t get actors to speak with any conviction or emotion. He can’t do it. He can’t make them funny, he can’t make them serious, he can’t decide if they’re funny or serious… Take away the beginning and end scenes of Saving Private Ryan and you’ve got a dumb war movie with bad dialogue.

The script… oh, god the script… and the plot… (muffled puke)… I can’t even begin. And the characters had no connection to each other. There was no reason to care what any of these people were doing. Harrison Ford was invisible, an old man wearing a costume.

Perhaps most shocking is how aesthetically bad it was. The set designs were atrocious. I kept waiting to see some scaffolding or a boom pole in the shot. Making matters worse was that everything was flooded with what must have been a hundred different lighting rigs. The whole thing looked artificial, constructed, cold and then they blasted everything in white light. And everything was LOUD. At one point Ford stops Shia LeBeouf from taking a step forward and you hear WWHOOOSSSCHUNK! as his forearm hits his chest. I can’t forget to mention the skull itself — a silly piece of plastic stuffed with Saran Wrap.

Okay, the Amazon car chase was kinda fun, but that’s because everyone finally shut up and stopped talking.

If it was meant to be campy, okay, I could give myself over to that. But I think they were actually trying to make a good movie. At least, I think?

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